When Freddie was born, we were delighted to have this lovely, smiley little boy join our family. As any parent will agree, having your first child is amazing, but it also brings a whole host of new challenges. As you’ll no doubt hear from other parents, “they don’t come with a manual!”
Indeed, your life shifts almost unrecognisably overnight and will never be the same again.
There are a lot of behaviours that present in young children with ADHD that are common with any toddlers. Early on, my wife and I assumed we were just going through the "terrible twos" or the "threenager" period with Freddie.
His behaviour was certainly challenging, with regular meltdowns including hitting, kicking, spitting, angry outbursts and crying. But really, we thought, it’s not that uncommon, maybe we’ve just got ‘a feisty one’?!
However, when we were called in by his nursery staff several times due to unruly and disruptive behaviour, it was quite shocking and upsetting to us. We quickly got in touch with Freddie’s health visitor, who was very helpful and advised us of possible diagnoses that can cause such behaviours, from ASD to ADHD, ODD and PDA... basically all the acronyms!
Joking aside, it was very stressful and hard to understand why and how our "normal" little boy could now have a "disability" (I put these in parentheses as I don't like either term).
Without the knowledge we now have, we lurched from googling condition after condition and the likely, mainly negative, repercussions they may have on Freddie’s life. We also questioned whether we were to blame, either through poor parenting or genetically; initially it was hard not playing the blame game or seeing ourselves as having failed in some way.
As it happens, ADHD is genetic and both Nikola and I definitely share some of Freddie’s traits, but now we look at it from a completely different perspective….an ADHD brain isn’t good or bad, just different.
But it does mean things can be difficult and challenging in a world set up for the neurotypical.
In any case we pursued a diagnosis to give us some idea of what condition we were dealing with and hopefully shed light on how best we (and he) could manage it.
Freddie went through a lot of tests and visits, both at home and at school and his paediatrician was excellent; he was diagnosed with ADHD nearly three years ago at five years old. In hindsight, doing this early and swiftly was a great move especially given the awful stories of interminable waiting lists we’ve heard about from other parents who’ve left things longer.
To Medicate or Not to Medicate
This was a tricky one. Initially, like most people, the idea of medicating a child wasn’t something we wanted to consider at all. We were worried it might change his personality, get rid of his spark and he may become like a zombie. However, after an awful lot of reading, research, listening to podcasts and speaking to medical professionals, we became more and more convinced that medication can be a very effective tool to help with ADHD.
Anything relating to mental rather than physical symptoms is much more taboo in society but the analogy that really resonated with us was “if your child had diabetes, would you resist him being given insulin?”
In the end the overwhelming advice was that medication can be tremendously beneficial to children and adults with ADHD so we took the plunge.
The first time we gave him the Equasym medication, we were quickly struck by a strange and unusual stillness in the house…and we peered round the corner to see him sat still and reading happily. We were amazed and looked at each other to say “Is this what other people’s children are like?” as we’d be used to almost continual movement, noise and frenetic energy from Freddie from morning to night.
There was some tinkering with doses and brands before he settled into his best routine but now we feel and he acknowledges that the medication helps slow his “Ferrari brain” down so he can concentrate much better.
Note – the timed release lasts around 8 hours so pretty much goes from breakfast to the end of the school day and there is a definite bounce back effect around home time. So, it means afternoons can be very testy but at least he’s been able to get through the school day with the benefit of greater focus and concentration.
Choose your battles, find positives, try a set routine
Because of his condition, Freddie can be very hard to manage…he’ll often refuse to sit still, ignore directions, forget things, talk over people and get angry and frustrated in ways that are massively out of proportion to the situation.
These occur with most children at times, but the nature of ADHD means they tend to happen much more often and on a bigger scale, if you ask families who have one ADHD child and one neurotypical child for example, they’ll quite clearly tell you where the greater challenge lies.
As a result, it’s estimated that those with ADHD receive 20,000 more negative messages by the age of 12. Just think about how that could impact a child’s self-esteem and also how it can affect a parent’s mindset and mood, day in day out.
With that in mind, my biggest piece of advice is to choose your battles.
If you’re seeing a minor behavioural problem like not sitting still in a restaurant for example and it’s not harming anyone, just let it go.
Does your child really need another shouted “No!” or “Stop that!” in this context? Sure, you may get a few raised eyebrows from time to time, sometimes some tuts and occasionally even some ‘constructive parenting tips’ from others but if your child’s not being dangerous, offensive or rude, I wouldn’t die on that hill!
We also try to emphasise and reinforce positive behaviour and where possible ignore the negative stuff so long as it’s not a non-negotiable “must not do” behaviour of course.
Oh, and you’ll have to develop a thick skin as other people, well-meaning or not, love to dispense free parenting advice. Indeed, I often find myself nodding and smiling politely at someone giving me a “have you tried ” when I’ve likely tried several dozen more such techniques than they ever will!
Another key thing we’ve learnt is the necessity to provide a well-structured environment for Freddie, so he has a very ordered routine both in the morning and at night.
If there are changes to this, we make sure to inform him in good time to ensure he knows what’s coming up and there are no nasty surprises!
Final Thoughts
I hope this account is helpful to any parents who have ADHD children. I’m certainly no parenting expert and my wife and I often make mistakes and handle situations with Freddie poorly. But we try; hindsight’s a wonderful thing but if you have a bad parenting day or week, cut yourself some slack….it’s not easy with ADHD, for them or for you!
I'm aware many parents are faced with far more serious health issues with their children too, so I wanted to stress we’re very thankful for having a healthy boy with a great personality who brings us so much happiness; challenging as he is, we wouldn’t change him for anyone.
We’re also grateful that society is becoming more and more understanding and accepting of neurodiverse kids like Freddie. Likely in my day he’d have been labelled a naughty kid or a ‘wrong ‘un’ and marginalised even more.
Instead, he has an EHCP at school which provides extra help where needed and they also make adjustments to help cater for his condition, (one on one support, movement breaks, wobble cushions, fidget toys etc.) This has seen him thrive so far academically and we’re really proud of how he’s developing.
Of course, there’s still a lot of ignorance and outdated thinking in society but hopefully posts like this and awareness weeks encourage people to have a more open mind and treat these struggling children with compassion.
They deserve it.
Thanks for reading and I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments.
Takeaways
Flexibility in parenting is key, but so is consistency, especially when you find a technique that works.
Choose your battles…if it’s minor bad behaviour, don’t die on that hill!
Praise and Reward work much better than Punishment and Criticism…think carrot not stick!
Be open-minded – reassess your fixed parenting beliefs, consider medication, read different opinion pieces, chat with other ADHD parents.
You won’t get it right all the time. In fact you’ll often get it wrong, so don’t be too hard on yourself.
You and/or your partner may well have ADHD yourself, so think about your behaviours and try to empathise with your child as much as possible.
Further suggested reading:
How not to murder your ADHD kid – Sarah Templeton
My amazing ADHD brain – Emily Snape
Taking charge of ADHD - Dr Russell Barkley
